How Lina Khan [Almost] Stole Christmas

Every American company in Silicon Valley liked innovation a lot…

But Lina Khan, who lived at the FTC, did NOT!

Oh, she hated innovation! Treated it like treason!

Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

Perhaps it’s because of her OMI writing.

Her Big Tech criticism was just oh so biting!

But I think the most likely reason of all,

May be she thinks FTC power is two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, someone should check,

She stands at the FTC, hating Big Tech.

“And they’re improving their services!” she said with a glare.

“I’m seeing monopolies everywhere!”

And even though “monopoly” means “one,”

She’d try to ensure these changes couldn’t be done.

Then she frowned, with her bureaucracy humming,

“I MUST find a way to keep mergers from coming!”

For she knew, soon enough, consumers across the land,

Would have new games and devices, despite what she’d planned.

Then they’d wake bright and early, brimming with glee,

Giving thanks that the tech market was free!

And then? Oh, it’s free! Oh it’s free!

That’s the one thing she hated! A market so FREE!

And THEN they’d do something she liked least of all!

Every American in America, would let out a call,

They’d stand together and demand de-regulation.

Oh, how that caused her SUCH indignation!

And the more she thought of how the capitalists would sing,

The more Lina thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”

“Why, for too many years, I’ve put up with it now!

“I must stop Big Tech from innovating, but HOW?”

Then she got an idea. An awful idea!

LINA KHAN GOT A PURELY AWFUL IDEA!

“I know just what to do!” She laughed with a hoot!

I’ll bury them all with frivolous lawsuits!

So, she trumped up some charges.

So many, she needed paperwork in barges!

She never thought better of her little con,

“If Brandeis can do it, so can Lina Khan!”

“When tech gadgets are ruined on Christmas morning,” she thought,

These poor capitalist businesses’ minds will be fraught!

“That’s a sound,” grinned Lina Khan, “That I simply MUST hear!”

So she paused, and put her hand to her ear.

And she did hear a sound, dim at first though.

It started in low. Then it started to grow.

As American as any bald eagle,

The market fought back with arguments, perfectly legal!

Anticompetitive claims, whatever the sort,

Would get soundly and fully defeated in court.

Lina stood puzzling, frozen as snow.

Just puzzling and puzzling, “How could it be so?”

Well, perhaps, Lina Khan, in your FTC chair,

Your thoughts should turn more to consumer welfare.

Because when tech companies pursue innovation,

There are benefits for the whole entire nation.

THE END